i guess it's true...

...what i suspected all this time.

Ouch.

Bear

Bear,

You will never know how much you mean to me. I love you so much and will miss you dearly. I can still remember the days when I would rush home from Kindergarten and tell you about my day and play with you on the bathroom floor. Those memories will never fade away. Though you were technically Sissy's dog I still keep you close to my heart, closer than any other pet. I thank you for always sticking up and protecting me. I will never forget the day where you saved me from Mom getting carried away with her spanking...I love you and I know you will continue to protect me <3 RIP Bear, my best friend. 2/20/2010

Love Always,
Ashley

Thoughts of Y-o-u

I just don't know anymore, so much is running through my head. So many thoughts and so many feelings...You and I have so much fun together and SHe always brings up the idea of us dating, but I am not real sure if I feel that way about You. However it's quite possible I do...I am just so confused and tied up in all these feelings. Is it the thought that I may have had feelings for you? Would the thought of me being with You hurt you? Even though you found someone new? I don't want to lose any friends, is this what is holding me back? Then there is yOu. Rumour has it that yOu have feelings for me, but I am not interested in that way =\ However I am attracted to yoU and YoU, but that's just a bad idea. The thought of yoU and I could just really hurt yOu...then YoU and I is probably just a bad idea all around. Then there is the idea of yOU. I get the feeling that yOU too have feelings for me, and the actions and remarks our friends make pretty much solidify that feeling. I am torn with that thought, I really don't know if I really am interested in that way...then brings me to Yoou. I am not real sure what to say about Yoou other than the fact that Yoou have been running laps in my head a lot lately. Then there is YOu. YOu knew I was attracted to YOu, and I knew that YOu didn't feel the same. Now we have become good friends and I am happy with that. I don't think I want anything nore that to be a close friend of YOurs. I definetly don't want to ruin our growing friendship. Next brings me to yoou. Though we are about to embark on almost a year without having spoken a single word to eachother, the thought of us possibly being an "us" continues to give me goose bumps...but that will never happen. Of course this thought would not be complete if I failed to mention YOU. Though I feel YOU have put me through a lot, I always find myself crawling back for more, and hoping to possibly talk like lovers do. Even after all my friends tell me that I deserve better and that I need to just give up, I just can't. Something always brings me back to you...even if you are a "tool" as everyone says. All the people and all the feelings but why is it that I am so scared to act on them, or to look deeper into them to figure them out? Is it the fact that the way my last relationship ended has me scared to get into another? Am I afraid of losing someone close if it doesn't work out? I am not sure...but i do know that I dont want to be alone anymore...

You.

Over the past few days you have been sprinting laps in my head. I have no idea why all of a sudden the thought of you keeps racing through my mind. It has been pretty difficult dealing with this. I thought I was over you and over it, but now I guess I am not completely over you... I keep replaying the past few days over and over trying to figure out what triggered this interest again. I just cannot come up with anything that can even come close to answering the reason for the sudden thought and interest in you. It has been so long, I'm just so confused. I see you, photographs, smell your smell, and the chills race through my spine. I think of those days and I miss them, but I am just going to take it day by day, as that is all I can do...

Oh What a Day..

Well today was sure a day unlike the rest, unfortunately not in a good way. I bundled up to go dig my car out of the snow to run around and get some errands finished. Forty-five minutes later I back my car out and start to drive to Domino's to pick up my lovely hard earned pay check. As I drive up the hill my steering wheel begins to shake and it feels like I have a flat tire...I then decide to make a pit stop at Sheetz and put some air in my tires. Now off to get my pay check! I walk into the store and see three of the managers huddled up trying to figure out who to have replace an employee that called out for the day. I am then asked if I was staying in town and if I could come in. I replied saying yea I'm not leaving my car isn't driving well I think I hurt something when I slid into the curb from leaving work in the snow on Friday.

So the general manager walks out to my car with me and checks it out. Lucky me my rim was bent into my tire and I shouldn't drive on it. Lovely. I go straight back to my apartment and call my father to fill him in, and man you would have thought I had murdered someone. He was fine at first just telling me to try to find a new rim. Then he calls back yelling, asking if I had any friends in town who could determine if it was more severe than just a bent rim. I calmly told him no, everyone is home for break. He then begins to yell saying well I need to take it to a shop immediately, however I do not have to money to do that and he had no interest in lending me any. He then proceeded to yell saying that because I was worthless and couldn't take care of myself at JMU that I needed to drop out and go to school at UMW right by my house. Oh man that set me over; the yelling and the thought of having to move back home. Tears just poured down my face.

Luckily I believe my father has calmed down, and hopefully doesn't continue to think he should force me to leave JMU. The plan is for him to come check my car out in the morning and determine if he can just follow me home while driving the car to have it fixed back home. We will see what happens. Oh what a day, tomorrow can you please be better?

Out?

A week ago my dad and I jumped into the car to head to Bostic, NC to visit my Grandpa and other family. My Grandpa now lives with my Aunt Debbie since he cannot fully take care of himself. I climbed into the car early that morning with my pillow and blanket and tried to fall back asleep. I expected this trip to be like the rest, hanging out at my Aunt Debbie's house with no cell phone signal playing with her dogs and listening to my Grandpa snore as he watches westerns on TV.

This trip was far from what I expected. It was definitely different than the others, full of surprises. I was woken up one morning to the dogs barking hysterically. I walked out of my room to see a baby billy goat in Pampers and a T-shirt running around the house. Apparently the woman who helps take care of my Grandpa brought the orphan goat to see him. I knew we were in the country, but waking up to a baby goat running around was furthest from my thoughts.

This trip was not only contained one surprise, but she shocked me with something I never EVER would have thought to happen. Due to the lack of a cell phone signal and my exhaustion from wrestling with my aunt's dogs my boredom led me to browsing Facebook and Twitter. While reading posts on a friend's Twitter page my aunt checks it out and asks, "Oh do we have a little love crush over there, a little boo, or just friends? I replied "haha just friends" She chuckled and began to walk away. Then she turned around and grabbed my shoulder and whispered into my ear, "and it's ok if you like girls, it doesn't bother me and I don't care" then she walked away as it was nothing. I quickly jumbled to pick my jaw up off the floor as she said out loud while walking away "don't mind a bit, not one bit."

I could not believe what just happened. Every thought possible ran through my head. How did she know? I haven't come out to my family yet, not even my parents. She some how knew. However it's not like I really try to keep my sexuality a secret, anyone with a Facebook can pretty much figure it out. Which she has a Facebook and lots of spare time to creep. I was so shocked and scared I felt shaky and rushed to my Facebook chat to find someone to talk to, I needed someone to get me to calm down. My aunt was so nonchalant as she confronted me, and I am still in shock from the situation. Though I am still slightly scared and in shock, I shouldn't be. This is a really good thing. My aunt is ok with my sexuality and accepting. Hopefully I will get over being scared and this shock soon...